Well, shit. I'm bored. Whoduthunk that after months of complaining about being overwhelmed by the tsunami of information that is medical school and Boards studying, I'd be bored after a week of vacation? Sad, just sad.

There are extenuating circumstances. One, I'm out of money until my next loan installment on July 6th. And not a lot of activities in today's society are free, so there's that. Two, I'm without vehicle. My parents visited Shane and I in Maryland last weekend, and my Dad took my car back to NY for a week to give it a once over (there is NOTHING like a father's love for his daughter, is there? No wonder women have such a hard time being content in relationships... if they're lucky, their fathers treated them like princesses, and no man can compete with that! :-)). So, I'm house-bound. And there's only so much cleaning, so much organizing, so much reading a girl can do before she starts to get stir crazy. And I'm there. I'm stir crazy.

I've been occupying my couch-time with somewhat educational activities, though. PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME, but I've started reading my book for my up and coming OB-Gyn rotation. I figure a leg up will do me good in the long run. I've also been pouring through the NY Times website like a wild woman, trying to become current on the goings-on of the world, most of which I've been oblivious to for the last, oh, eight or nine months (Obama got voted into office?!?! Just kidding... :-)). I've developed an interested in the current debates on health care reform. Its an INCREDIBLY complex issue, and my knowledge of all of its facets is humble, at best. But I'm trying to become better informed. It does, after all, concern my immediate future.

Despite my excitement about rotations, I'm becoming nervous, too, and not for the reasons you might expect. I'm worried... God, this is horrible to admit.... but that I'm not going to LIKE it. That's particularly terrifying when you think about the time and money I've invested in the career path, and although I've had tons of clinical experience over the years, those roles are going to be distinctly different than the role I step into on July 6th, as part of the medical team. What if, despite thinking I know what I'm getting into all these years, I truly don't? What if I've romanticized the role of physician, and the reality is much different? What if I become disillusioned by the system early? WHAT DO I DO THEN? Nearly 150K in debt, seven years invested..... what if I find out all of it has been for nothing, because, SURPRISE, I find I don't want to be doctor anymore? And I can't really picture myself doing anything else, so what then?

It's a terrifying conflict, one I'm afraid isn't going to resolve itself easily. I have a sense part of me will always be questioning the path I've chosen, maybe because it's my nature, or maybe because the nature of the profession and its demands of you.

At any rate, it will be an interesting few years.

Yesterday, the clerk at the grocery store gave me an extra discount on groceries simply, he said, "For being so nice." And truthfully, yesterday was just one of those days where I felt as if I was glowing, feeling so benevolent about the universe I was vomiting kindness and shitting rainbows.

The reasons are many; I had just left the salon with a straight fabulous hair style and was thirty minutes post- full body massage. Probably most significant, however, was the fact that I was also a day out from one of the most stressful periods of my life: United States Medical Licensing Examination (USMLE) Step 1, the first of 3-5 tests I must take in the next five years to prove I should be allowed to treat humans. A lot of people will tell you that Step 1 is the most difficult, and thus, most stressful. I think that's partly because its the test that bridges the basic sciences with the clinical applications of it, a test that requires a tremendous amount of integration. The rest of USMLE, Steps 2, 3, and beyond, are much more focused on the clinical aspects. So, after four weeks and a half weeks of studying, I sat down to take a seven hour exam that, like the MCAT, would decide the next five years of my life. And...... I don't know. LOL. It was HARD, and there were a LOT of questions with which I relied really heavily on my skills of deduction rather than memory. But, from what I understand, everyone walks out of that test feeling like they sucked it up. So, here's hoping that I did well.... or at least passed. :-)

Enough about that! It's over, and I'm on vacation, bitches! :-) Yesterday I spent the afternoon getting my hair did, and getting a massage, courtesy of my fabulous boyfriend. :-) Today I did some light cleaning, and now I'm sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, and watching Disney's Aladdin. Good day. :-) I'm on vacation for one couple of weeks before beginning my third year rotations. Although I'm perfectly content to allow these next two weeks to drag on as long as I can stretch them, I'm incredibly excited to be in the hospital and clinic, treating real patients, from now on. My first rotation, in fact, is Ob-Gyn, a specialty I think I'm going to LOVE. The only down-side, of course, is having to leave Shane again.

As you might know, I tried to transfer to Georgetown for a second time, and, as they did before, the admissions committee "chose NOT to offer you an interview." They claimed it was because they had "many qualified applicants," but I would have LOVED to see what made those candidates that DID recieve interviews more qualified than me. Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? :-)

But I'm alright. To be honest, I think its for the best. First of all, I'm going back to Loyola, which has been unfailingly supportive throughout this whole thing. The faculty is fabulous, the student body is awesome...... I mean, honestly, I don't think I would have a better med-school experience anywhere else. Also, I think my absence is going to allow Shane to take advantage of some opportunities in his career he may not if I were around. Apparently, someone up there is a HELL of a lot smarter than we are, and is taking care of us. :-)

And aahh, Shane. Seriously. Going on four years, two of which have been long distance, and I don't think we've ever been stronger, better, more in love. This past month has been straight blissful. The stupid man has wormed his way into the deepest parts of my heart, and although I don't know what I ever did to deserve him, I know even less how I could ever live without him. I'm an incredibly lucky woman. :-)

So I'll spend the next two weeks relaxing, reading books that have NOTHING to do with science, visiting friends and relatives, running and playing around my new camera. Hopefully, they'll go slowly. :-)