Here it is, my (semi) final draft for my residency applications. Haven't gotten a WHOLE lot of people to look at it, so if you have the time to run through it, I can't tell you how much it would mean to me.

Thanks!

I’ve always known that I wanted to become a doctor. Of course, I went through the obligatory phases of childhood during which I was convinced that my destiny was to become an astronaut or a marine biologist. But my interests, no matter where they strayed, always returned to medicine. I attribute much of this to my mother; as a registered nurse, her dinner table stories of the patients she had taken care of enthralled me and nurtured in me an insatiable curiosity for all things medical. Throughout my school years, I found myself gravitating towards the sciences, biology in particular. I became enamored with the intricacies of the human body, with the million delicate processes that culminated in a living, breathing organism. I also developed a fascination with the ways that these processes could break down, resulting in disease. While a junior in high school, I was employed as an aid and secretary on a medical-surgical floor. I was delighted to discover that not only did I thrill at the clinical applications of all that I had so passionately studied; I also relished the human component of medicine, the art of being a healer. From that point forward, I set myself to achieving the goal of becoming a physician.

I matriculated to medical school in 2007. Although admittedly a stressful time, it was also a time of enormous personal growth and satisfaction. Growth, in that I found myself rising to meet adversity with determination and perseverance. Through hard work and countless hours of studying, I developed proficiency in my knowledge and clinical skills as the years progressed. Satisfaction, insomuch as I found it nothing short of joyous to be immersed in subjects that fascinated me so thoroughly. I found that much of the joy I derived from my studies came from the mental acrobatics required to tease out diagnosis. I fell thoroughly in love with the ‘ah-ha’ moment in which the pieces of a particular patient’s puzzle would fall into place to reveal the picture of their disease. Nowhere do the skills of deduction and reason seem to be more thoroughly tested than in Internal Medicine. During my inpatient Internal Medicine rotation, I found that I enjoyed the complexity of the patients on our service. I appreciated the way the attending physicians would take time on rounds to dissect through the minutiae of each case; this not only optimized patient care by addressing each facet of their clinical picture, but it also taught me how to think about medicine in a precise and analytical fashion. (Reigning in my enthusiasm for these didactic sessions proved to be difficult, and often I would inadvertently exacerbate the lengthiness of rounds.) I find these physicians to be a community of thinkers, masters of reason and logic, a community I aspire to be part of. I also love the flexibility and variety Internal medicine offers its practitioners; during my sub-specialty month, I became convinced that regardless of the one’s passions, a niche for it had been carved out within Internal Medicine.

Today, as my graduation from medical school looms on the horizon, I reflect not only on the road behind me, but also on the road ahead. Throughout my clinical years, I have found that nothing excites my passion for medicine as much as Critical Care. There are several reasons for this fervor; first, I much prefer the intensity and subtle hum of energy of the inpatient setting to the more sedate outpatient setting. I also enjoy the challenge of taking care of acutely ill persons, as well as the ethical dilemmas that frequently arise at the end of life. Lastly, the ICU is a place where the laws and concepts of physiology (the very same that drew me to medicine initially) come to life, and comprising of patients whom require the sharpest and most resolute of medical minds to minister to. I aspire to be that kind of physician, and envision myself pursuing fellowship training in Pulmonary/ Critical Care to ultimately become an Intensivist. Also, I have thoroughly appreciated training at an academic center, both for its focus on the latest medical research and recommendations as well as its ample opportunities to teach, and would prefer to continue my career as faculty at just such an institution. Regardless of where I train, one thing is for certain: I will strive to be an asset to the program. I will bring to the institution enthusiasm for learning and the voracious professional curiosity that not only allowed me to come this far, but continues to drive me forward.

*sigh*

Its Saturday evening, and I'm plopped on the couch with a bottle of wine surrounded by three snoring, full and farty dogs. Its lovely. :-) I'm puppy-sitting for my downstairs neighbors tonight. Its actually kind of a wonderful arrangment- when I go out of town, they watch my dog, and when they go out of town, I hang out in their apartment watching theirs! (not in my apartment- I don't think my roommate would take to kindly to having three dogs running around peeing on things and terrorizing her cat.)

I'm currently on Psychiatry at Loyola. And I hate it. I mean, passionately, and it gets more annoying each day. :-) Its like humans trying to force some measure of understanding over something as complex as the human psyche by attaching labels to it and trying to categorize it using seemingly arbitrary criteria from the DSM-IV. You should see this thing- for example, diagnosing schizophrenia requires you have a certain number of the characteristic symptoms, and if a patient does not meet those criteria, they're often diagnosed with this catch-all 'psychosis not otherwise specified." What a bullshit diagnosis that sounds like, and yet I would say a good third of the patients I've seen carry that diagnosis. So few of the patients fit into the specific criteria of these diseases, that it makes me wonder how they can be so widely accepted.

And another thing- there's so many psychiatric diagnosis that are so close to the realm of normal, that it seems like everyone I know would fall into some category or another. Yes, its acknowledged that all of psych, normal and pathologic, falls on a spectrum, and that all of us share some characteristics with the crazies. But some of the diagnosis seem so damn flimsy. Like the big diagnosis like depression and schizophrenia, absolutely, I understand, as requiring intervention and medication. But the personality disorders, for example, seem just silly to me- calling someone who does drugs and has been in prison for 50% of their life 'antisocial'. I don't know about you, but where I come from we call those types of people "assholes". "Dickhead" and "drag on society" should be in the DSM-IV. I'm empathic as the next guy, but come on now. :-)

It is really educational in the sense that its teaching me to deal with difficult patients. The other day I had to interview this homeless alcoholic guy who was going through withdrawal. We started the interview with him screaming at me that I "should have chosen a different major in college, like being a pain in the ass'" but by the end of it he was apologizing for being a jerk. Felt pretty good about that. :-) I need to kick up the studying pretty soon here, though, because I only have 3 weeks until the exam, and I'm going to get my ass kicked if I don't quit slacking.

The other (obvious) big influence on my life right now is Shane's deployment to Afghanistan. He left on Tuesday, and only just in the last couple of days got to his final destination and settled in. They're already working him like crazy, but I think its good for him, keeping him busy. From his description of his what his job was going to entail, I think he's really going to enjoy it once he adjusts and falls into a routine. In the meantime, I'm trying to adjust and to find a routine myself. I'm doing alright, but despite the fact that we were long distance to begin with, the differences are obvious and this is certainly more difficult. First of all, we haven't actually been able to talk since he left- all of our communication has been via e-mail. And the time difference- its almost twelve hours ahead there, so even the e-mails and responses are difficult to time. I also didn't realize how much time I had devoted to phone conversations with Shane each night until now- I find I have way too much free time on my hands! I wish I could say that I've been devoting it to studying, but mostly its been watching Dexter Seasons 1 and 2. I need a hobby LOL. Probably the most difficult thing to learn, for me, has been how to be supportive rather than the supportee. Its terrible to admit, but these last few years of medical school have made me a bit selfish- I'm the one whos stressed out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I'm the one in need of comfort and support, and Shane has been my rock. Now the tables are turned, and I need to suck up any stress or frustrations and support him, be his rock. Again, I'm ashamed to admit that its even an issue- I'm not a bad person, I just think relying on him so heavily is a habit I've fallen into and now need to break. And I'm trying so hard, I am...... I just hope I can keep it going.

Wedding planning is going ridiculously well. Its a year and a half away and already 80% planned. I don't know why I've thrown myself into it so heavily- maybe I find planning in general... well, relaxing, soothing. Maybe its simply an activity that can substitute studying thats just productive enough to dupe me into believing I'm not procrastinating anything. :-)

On that note...... writing a blog is NOT deceiving me into thinking I'm being productive, so I think I need to end it here.

Have a great rest of your weekend. :-)